i tell people often that i can’t make decisions. as pathetic as that sounds, it’s kind of the truth. growing up, most, if not all, decisions were made for me. despite having the innate capability of doing so myself, it was simply out of my control. i was told i was smart enough to make good choices, but i lacked life experience. so, my father said to trust him and that i might not understand at the time, but the decisions he made for me were in my best interest.
even though i knew that i was responsible and capable, the message i internalized all these years was the opposite. i couldn’t wrap my head around why my friends could choose things for themselves and i couldn’t. i was sad, confused and angry when i was told “no” to doing things that i felt were more than appropriate for someone my age. and the thing is, it isn’t something i just grew out of. that power is still not entirely in my hands.
this semester has been filled with many arguments. many. ive been trying to communicate in a respectful manner that, BESIDES BEING A LEGAL ADULT, i am capable of deciding things for myself. no one needs to help me anymore. i know myself better than anyone and i know what i can handle, what i need. that isn’t to say that i can’t ask for guidance or advice, but that is a conversation i can initiate when necessary.
its funny because while i say i can’t make decisions, there is always that little voice of reason inside me; a voice gently hinting at what i already know to be the right choice for my soul. yet, i ignore it. i suppress that voice, and instead i ask every single person who i admire what they think i should do. i don’t trust myself. can you blame me, though? when all i was ever told was that I didn’t know best, the residual effect is me not trusting my own knowledge and experience to do what i believe is best.
in fact, im starting to listen and to trust that little voice inside me right now. ive been anxious recently, contemplating a certain situation and how to move forward. compiling everyone’s opinions in my head, getting overwhelmed. just a little. okay or a lot. but the fact of the matter is that no one else is me!!! so i need to cut the bullshit and stop sharing all the details and concerns of my life with any person that seems willing to offer an opinion. im DONEE with that!!
working to find peace with the idea that i don’t need anyone’s support or blessing to determine the course of my life. its in my hands. failure is inevitable, but you gotta learn somehow. and i won’t learn anything if i continue tolerating people walking all over me and telling me that i don’t know what i don’t know. that’s not a way to live a life of freedom.
